Saturday, December 24, 2005

I'm Dreaming of a ..............

Peaceful Christmas.

I've had a lot of time to think about the holidays, and what I really would like for Christmas. I know that what I want may only come to me in my dreams, but what I really want for Christmas is peace of mind. I would really like to be able to get through this time of year without being tormented by the memories of my uncles death, and the fact that his birthday is two days before Christmas. I would really like to be able to feel some sense of normality at christmas time again. I want to be able to enjoy the holidays as I once did.

For April's sake, I would really like for my negative feelings around christmas to just disappear for good. I hate the fact that she has to see the hell that I go through during this time of year. She is the only person who ever really sees the battered and scarred man that I really am. I know that dealing with me with I'm feeling down is not the easiest thing in the world to do. I am however, thankful that I have someone as kind and loving as April to help me deal with the past that haunts me. I don't think I could or would get through these hard times without her.
So, as Christmas Day creeps closer, my prayer is that peace and comfort will fill my mind, body, and soul. and that I may enjoy the holidays with those closest to me.
Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Wrap This!

I spent last evening wrapping a rather large christmas present for April. I bought a large stuffed animal for her, and had to wrap it in the box that my tv came in. Let me tell ya, if you have give a wrapped present, for god sakes buy something small. I had so much trouble wrapping that blasted thing. I didn't have enough christmas paper to wrap it in, so the box it wrapped in brown shipping paper. Very Christmasy let me tell ya....NOT! I felt bad about it, so I put my handy-dandy artistic background to work, and drew a big red bow on the top of the box, then drew green, striped ribbon around the sides of the box. Doesn't look too bad, even if I did make it. :-P Hopefully my efforts will be appreciated.

This morning I still had to wrap gifts for April's presents. That was another adventure. For one, most guys don't do well with wrapping presents, and I'm no exception to that. But, at least I made an attempt to make someone happy, even if it was a half-hearted attempt. Thankfully, I actually had enough christmas paper to wrap those. Again, a little appreciation would be nice.

I have also decided that if I have as much trouble with gift buying next year, I will being buying my own damn presents. Forget spending a bunch of MY money on OTHER people. I'll spend MY money on.....................yep, that's right.........ME! For any on who disagrees or doesn't like my rational, I have only two words......WRAP THIS!
Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With Coal

You haven't been *that* naughty this year
Santa is just screwing with you
Your Birthdate: March 28

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame.
You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems.
Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego.
You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance.

Your strength: Your bold approach to life

Your weakness: You don't accept help

Your power color: Bronze

Your power symbol: Pyramid

Your power month: October

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Poker Abby Teaches Poker

Poker Abby Teaches Poker

Christmas mumbo jumbo

Is it just me, or has the whole meaning of Christmas changed for the worse? Now days, it's all about who can buy the biggest presents and who got the best presents, and which stores have the best buys, blah, blah, blah. I feel that Christmas has become nothing more than commercial BS.

First, the holidays haven't been the same for me since my uncle passed a few years ago, and it really doesn't help that his birthday was 2 days before Christmas. Needless to say, I'm having a difficult time with things this week. This leads to my point that I always thought that Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Christ, and spending time with the friends and family that we love. I thought it was a time to show others that you really care for them. My question is: why does that care have to be shown through purchasing outragiously expensive gifts, which in the end, will not be appreciated at all?

I have given up spending Christmas with my family in Louisville, so I could spend Christmas with April and her family. I've been second guessing that decision a lot this week too. In many ways, I believe that I should have gone home for the holiday. But I also want to be with April too. Needless to say, I'm dealing with a lot of mental term oil. I really hate feeling the way that I do, and quite honestly, I really hate the Holidays.

Next week can't come soon enough!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Plan of the Master Weaver

The Plan of the Master Weaver
==============================
Our lives are but fine weavings
That God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned
And fashioned in His care.
We may not always see just how
The weavings intertwine,
But we must trust the Master's hand
And follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
And trust in Him to guide......
Sometimes a strand of sorrow
Is added to His plan,
And though it's difficult for us,
We still must understand
That it's He who fills the shuttle,
It's He who knows what's best,
So we must weave in patience
And leave to Him the rest.....
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Organized

Organized

God's perfect order is in this place. I am peaceful and productive.

I deserve to live in an Organized environment tnat encouragesrelaxation and renewal as well as peaceful productivity. An organized home or office is a place in which I can feelboth serene and inspired.

God is with me as I organize my living and work spaces. If things have gotten out of hand, I release any sense of guilt or shame about having let things become cluttered. I begin with a fresh outlook, and I work on one room or area, one filing cabinet or folder at a time.

As I progress, I am creating a more healthful, pleasantenvironment for my body, mind, and soul. I have more energy to focus on the blessings of each present moment and on God's peace within and around me.

"Put things in order, listen to my appeal, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you."—2 Corinthians 13:11

Sunday, December 18, 2005

What kind of candy are you?

ski

You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Closure

I did something last night that I probably should have done a long time ago. Since my uncle passed away, I have been haunted day in and day out by the memories of the horrible ordeal that he went through, and that I went through as a result. Being that his birthday is Dec. 23, two days before Christmas, this time of the year is not good for me at all. Christmas was also a big deal for him, as was Thanksgiving. So none of the major holidays are the same without him. For that reason, I really have come to hate the holiday season, and in a lot of ways, try to avoid being involved with anything that could possibly remind me of him. To get back on track, I must say that the last couple of days have not been good for me. I have been feeling that I may be making a mistake by staying here in Fort Wayne for Christmas; I feel that by my not being at home, for many of them it will be like I'm gone too. And this will be the first time that I have never been at home for Christmas. So as you can imagine, I am having a lot of mixed feelings about all of this. April was over here Friday night, and we were talking and thoughts of home, christmas, and Doug were on my mind, and I just broke down and cried for more than an hour. April said that maybe I should try talking to Doug, just like I would talk to God if I were praying. The thought stuck with me. Well last night, April and I went out for a little while, and ended up going shopping for a few things. Again, by the time we got back to my place, my emotions were in an uproar. April kept stating that she felt tensions between us, and I told her that there aren't problems between us, that our relationship is fine. As usual, the problems are all in my head. I'm the one who has all of these unresolved issues with which I must deal; Again I broke down and cried. Yes, I know, I'm emotional.

Late last night, while sitting here in the silence and loneliness of my room, what April said about talking to Doug came to mind. While I often have time actually voicing those kinds of feelings, I can often put the feelings into words on paper. So, I laid on my bed and wrote a 4 page letter to my uncle, in which I poured out all of the thoughts and feelings that I have had about him, his passing, and all the stuff that has happened since then. I must tell you, that was not an easy thing for me to do, and as expected, it was a very soggy time. I really did feel alot better after I wrote the letter, and feel that I have gotten some closure having written all of my feelings. For now, the letter is in an envelope in my safe. Im not really sure what Im going to do with it. I thought about taking it out somewhere and burning it, and probably will when I have time. My word, I said a lot just to say what I did last night. oh well, I think I'm going to end here for now. I haven't slept much, so I need to lay down. C-YA!

Saturday, December 17, 2005




This is what happens when slackers find cool sites online. Thanks Natalee!

Burned Out

I found this story online, and it was a real blessing to me. I have been dealing with the same kind of stuff the person in the story is dealing with. I know that God is going to get me through. I hope this is as much of a blessing to all of you, as it has been to me.

Burned Out
After hours of research, I felt like I'd only scratched the surface.
by Mike Koestler as told to Chris Lutes

On Sunday morning, I slumped down on the couch in our youth room, crossed my arms and sighed heavily. Saturday had been a non-stop study marathon and I hadn't gone to bed until after midnight. I'd spent seven hours at three different libraries doing research for a major term paper. One-third of my grade in American Literature depended on how well I did on this paper, and I still felt like I had hardly scratched the surface of all the research I had to do. Along with that, I had other schoolwork waiting for me at home. My mind felt like mush.

As Diana, my youth pastor, began teaching, I pretty much tuned her out. All I could think about was schoolwork. Although I didn't know what topic we were discussing, I did know Diana had us looking up a lot of verses from the Bible. She'd say a verse, and then someone would turn to it and read it to the group—just kind of your basic Bible study stuff.

To keep from totally zoning out and freaking out about all the homework I had to finish, I started flipping through my Bible with everyone else. But it was all pretty much a haze until someone read Matthew 11:28.

"Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads and I will give you rest" (NCV).

I sat up a little and stared at those words in the Bible. It was like they'd suddenly been underlined, highlighted, boldfaced and printed in very large type.

I read the verse again, focusing on "tired," "heavy loads" and "rest." It was like Jesus had said those words directly to me. The longer I stared at that verse, the more I felt like he must know exactly what I was going through. I was still very tired, and I knew I still had "heavy loads" of homework waiting for me when I got home. But I also felt that God wanted to comfort me and give me hope. God will see me through this, I thought, feeling a little less worried about the day ahead of me. I don't need to get all stressed over what will or won't get done. Not wanting to forget the verse, I grabbed a pen and scribbled the reference on the back of my left hand.

After a very busy Sunday of studying and other activities, I sat down at my computer to finish a little more homework before I went to bed. As I started to type, I paused and looked at my hand. There it was: Matthew 11:28.

I hadn't thought much about that Bible verse throughout the day. To be honest, I'd pretty much gotten caught up in the stress and worry of everything I had to accomplish. But once more, the verse reminded me that God hadn't forgotten about me. He'd been there all day long, wanting to carry my heavy loads, waiting to relieve my worry and stress.

I grabbed my Bible and jotted the words to Matthew 11:28 on a few Post-it notes. I then stuck the notes across the top of my computer monitor. As I studied and worked hard for the next week, I kept returning to that verse. It reminded me over and over that God was there for me, no matter what.

Sometimes it's tempting to just sleep in on Sunday morning and skip church—especially when I've gotten to bed real late on Saturday night. But if I'd skipped youth group on the morning after that "study marathon," I would have missed something I feel God really wanted to say to me. I'm glad I was there, and I'm glad God got my attention. It made everything I had to do a little bit easier to handle.

Let Go, Let God, and Be Blessed.

Working, Laboring, Enduring

Working, Laboring, Enduring

1 Thessalonians 1:3 says, "We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

Face it, the Christian life is no piece of cake. Even Paul tells the Thessalonians he remembers them for the energy they'd expended on work, labor, and endurance. Certainly Christianity in Thessalonica wasn't simple. The entire church faced persecution, just as Paul had when he first visited this bustling port.

Perhaps, like many properous cities of today, the inhabitants were comfortable with their own undemanding form of worship to deities that fed their "felt needs" of the "good life." Work, labor, and endurance did not appeal to them.

But this church's efforts paid off. Paul used them as a model for other congregations, to show how Christians should be, how they should respond in troubles. Even today, we know the Thessalonian church as one to be admired when it comes to standing firm in trials.

Are you working, laboring, and enduring, while it seems to get you nowhere? Don't give up. Keep on being a good testimony in your work-place, and you also may become an example for others. God may lift you up in the right time and use your example in a poowerful way.

Oh Lord, I want my efforts to be of benefit to You. Keep me faithful all the way. Amen.

I Won't Be Left Behind

I Won’t Be Left Behind

I run my fastest
But still get beat.
I land on my head
When I should be on my feet.
I try to move forward,
But I am stuck in rewind.
Why do I keep at it?
I won’t be left behind.

The harder I am thrown,
The higher I bounce.
I give it my all,
And that’s all that counts.
In first place,
Myself, I seldom find.
So I push the limit –
I won’t be left behind.

Some people tell me you can’t,
Some say don’t.
Some simply give up.
I reply, I won’t.
The power is here,
Locked away in my mind.
My perseverance is my excellence,
I won’t be left behind.

Make the best of each moment,
The future is soon the past.
The more I tell myself this,
The less I come in last.
Throughout my competitions,
I’ve learned what winning is about.
A plain and clear lesson –
Giving up is the easy way out.

So every night before I go to bed,
I hope in a small way I have shined.
Tomorrow is a brand-new day,
And I won’t be left behind.

-Sara Nachtman

Don't Quit

This poem is the basis for this blog.

DON'T QUIT!
===========

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest,
if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Author Unknown