I'm Dreaming of a ..............

Peaceful Christmas.

I've had a lot of time to think about the holidays, and what I really would like for Christmas. I know that what I want may only come to me in my dreams, but what I really want for Christmas is peace of mind. I would really like to be able to get through this time of year without being tormented by the memories of my uncles death, and the fact that his birthday is two days before Christmas. I would really like to be able to feel some sense of normality at christmas time again. I want to be able to enjoy the holidays as I once did.

For April's sake, I would really like for my negative feelings around christmas to just disappear for good. I hate the fact that she has to see the hell that I go through during this time of year. She is the only person who ever really sees the battered and scarred man that I really am. I know that dealing with me with I'm feeling down is not the easiest thing in the world to do. I am however, thankful that I have someone as kind and loving as April to help me deal with the past that haunts me. I don't think I could or would get through these hard times without her.

So, as Christmas Day creeps closer, my prayer is that peace and comfort will fill my mind, body, and soul. and that I may enjoy the holidays with those closest to me.

Merry Christmas!

Wrap This!

I spent last evening wrapping a rather large christmas present for April. I bought a large stuffed animal for her, and had to wrap it in the box that my tv came in. Let me tell ya, if you have give a wrapped present, for god sakes buy something small. I had so much trouble wrapping that blasted thing. I didn't have enough christmas paper to wrap it in, so the box it wrapped in brown shipping paper. Very Christmasy let me tell ya....NOT! I felt bad about it, so I put my handy-dandy artistic background to work, and drew a big red bow on the top of the box, then drew green, striped ribbon around the sides of the box. Doesn't look too bad, even if I did make it. :-P Hopefully my efforts will be appreciated.

This morning I still had to wrap gifts for April's presents. That was another adventure. For one, most guys don't do well with wrapping presents, and I'm no exception to that. But, at least I made an attempt to make someone happy, even if it was a half-hearted attempt. Thankfully, I actually had enough christmas paper to wrap those. Again, a little appreciation would be nice.

I have also decided that if I have as much trouble with gift buying next year, I will being buying my own damn presents. Forget spending a bunch of MY money on OTHER people. I'll spend MY money on.....................yep, that's right.........ME! For any on who disagrees or doesn't like my rational, I have only two words......WRAP THIS!

Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With Coal

You haven't been *that* naughty this year Santa is just screwing with you

What Will Be In Your Christmas Stocking?

Your Birthdate: March 28

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame. You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems. Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego. You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance. Your strength: Your bold approach to life Your weakness: You don't accept help Your power color: Bronze Your power symbol: Pyramid Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Poker Abby Teaches Poker

Poker Abby Teaches Poker

Christmas mumbo jumbo

Is it just me, or has the whole meaning of Christmas changed for the worse? Now days, it's all about who can buy the biggest presents and who got the best presents, and which stores have the best buys, blah, blah, blah. I feel that Christmas has become nothing more than commercial BS.

First, the holidays haven't been the same for me since my uncle passed a few years ago, and it really doesn't help that his birthday was 2 days before Christmas. Needless to say, I'm having a difficult time with things this week. This leads to my point that I always thought that Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Christ, and spending time with the friends and family that we love. I thought it was a time to show others that you really care for them. My question is: why does that care have to be shown through purchasing outragiously expensive gifts, which in the end, will not be appreciated at all?

I have given up spending Christmas with my family in Louisville, so I could spend Christmas with April and her family. I've been second guessing that decision a lot this week too. In many ways, I believe that I should have gone home for the holiday. But I also want to be with April too. Needless to say, I'm dealing with a lot of mental term oil. I really hate feeling the way that I do, and quite honestly, I really hate the Holidays.

Next week can't come soon enough!

Plan of the Master Weaver

The Plan of the Master Weaver

==============================

Our lives are but fine weavings

That God and we prepare,

Each life becomes a fabric planned

And fashioned in His care.

We may not always see just how

The weavings intertwine,

But we must trust the Master's hand

And follow His design,

For He can view the pattern

Upon the upper side,

While we must look from underneath

And trust in Him to guide......

Sometimes a strand of sorrow

Is added to His plan,

And though it's difficult for us,

We still must understand

That it's He who fills the shuttle,

It's He who knows what's best,

So we must weave in patience

And leave to Him the rest.....

Not till the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why

The dark threads are as needed

In the Weaver's skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

Organized

Organized

God's perfect order is in this place. I am peaceful and productive.

I deserve to live in an Organized environment tnat encouragesrelaxation and renewal as well as peaceful productivity. An organized home or office is a place in which I can feelboth serene and inspired.

God is with me as I organize my living and work spaces. If things have gotten out of hand, I release any sense of guilt or shame about having let things become cluttered. I begin with a fresh outlook, and I work on one room or area, one filing cabinet or folder at a time.

As I progress, I am creating a more healthful, pleasantenvironment for my body, mind, and soul. I have more energy to focus on the blessings of each present moment and on God's peace within and around me.

"Put things in order, listen to my appeal, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you."—2 Corinthians 13:11

What kind of candy are you?

You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.


Which kind of candy are you?
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Closure

I did something last night that I probably should have done a long time ago. Since my uncle passed away, I have been haunted day in and day out by the memories of the horrible ordeal that he went through, and that I went through as a result. Being that his birthday is Dec. 23, two days before Christmas, this time of the year is not good for me at all. Christmas was also a big deal for him, as was Thanksgiving. So none of the major holidays are the same without him. For that reason, I really have come to hate the holiday season, and in a lot of ways, try to avoid being involved with anything that could possibly remind me of him. To get back on track, I must say that the last couple of days have not been good for me. I have been feeling that I may be making a mistake by staying here in Fort Wayne for Christmas; I feel that by my not being at home, for many of them it will be like I'm gone too. And this will be the first time that I have never been at home for Christmas. So as you can imagine, I am having a lot of mixed feelings about all of this. April was over here Friday night, and we were talking and thoughts of home, christmas, and Doug were on my mind, and I just broke down and cried for more than an hour. April said that maybe I should try talking to Doug, just like I would talk to God if I were praying. The thought stuck with me. Well last night, April and I went out for a little while, and ended up going shopping for a few things. Again, by the time we got back to my place, my emotions were in an uproar. April kept stating that she felt tensions between us, and I told her that there aren't problems between us, that our relationship is fine. As usual, the problems are all in my head. I'm the one who has all of these unresolved issues with which I must deal; Again I broke down and cried. Yes, I know, I'm emotional.

Late last night, while sitting here in the silence and loneliness of my room, what April said about talking to Doug came to mind. While I often have time actually voicing those kinds of feelings, I can often put the feelings into words on paper. So, I laid on my bed and wrote a 4 page letter to my uncle, in which I poured out all of the thoughts and feelings that I have had about him, his passing, and all the stuff that has happened since then. I must tell you, that was not an easy thing for me to do, and as expected, it was a very soggy time. I really did feel alot better after I wrote the letter, and feel that I have gotten some closure having written all of my feelings. For now, the letter is in an envelope in my safe. Im not really sure what Im going to do with it. I thought about taking it out somewhere and burning it, and probably will when I have time. My word, I said a lot just to say what I did last night. oh well, I think I'm going to end here for now. I haven't slept much, so I need to lay down. C-YA!