Closure

I did something last night that I probably should have done a long time ago. Since my uncle passed away, I have been haunted day in and day out by the memories of the horrible ordeal that he went through, and that I went through as a result. Being that his birthday is Dec. 23, two days before Christmas, this time of the year is not good for me at all. Christmas was also a big deal for him, as was Thanksgiving. So none of the major holidays are the same without him. For that reason, I really have come to hate the holiday season, and in a lot of ways, try to avoid being involved with anything that could possibly remind me of him. To get back on track, I must say that the last couple of days have not been good for me. I have been feeling that I may be making a mistake by staying here in Fort Wayne for Christmas; I feel that by my not being at home, for many of them it will be like I'm gone too. And this will be the first time that I have never been at home for Christmas. So as you can imagine, I am having a lot of mixed feelings about all of this. April was over here Friday night, and we were talking and thoughts of home, christmas, and Doug were on my mind, and I just broke down and cried for more than an hour. April said that maybe I should try talking to Doug, just like I would talk to God if I were praying. The thought stuck with me. Well last night, April and I went out for a little while, and ended up going shopping for a few things. Again, by the time we got back to my place, my emotions were in an uproar. April kept stating that she felt tensions between us, and I told her that there aren't problems between us, that our relationship is fine. As usual, the problems are all in my head. I'm the one who has all of these unresolved issues with which I must deal; Again I broke down and cried. Yes, I know, I'm emotional.

Late last night, while sitting here in the silence and loneliness of my room, what April said about talking to Doug came to mind. While I often have time actually voicing those kinds of feelings, I can often put the feelings into words on paper. So, I laid on my bed and wrote a 4 page letter to my uncle, in which I poured out all of the thoughts and feelings that I have had about him, his passing, and all the stuff that has happened since then. I must tell you, that was not an easy thing for me to do, and as expected, it was a very soggy time. I really did feel alot better after I wrote the letter, and feel that I have gotten some closure having written all of my feelings. For now, the letter is in an envelope in my safe. Im not really sure what Im going to do with it. I thought about taking it out somewhere and burning it, and probably will when I have time. My word, I said a lot just to say what I did last night. oh well, I think I'm going to end here for now. I haven't slept much, so I need to lay down. C-YA!